Have you ever heard the term “Surplus Friend”? I suppose you never heard about this term before, do you know why I am so sure of it? That’s because I think I am the one who created this term. Surplus Friend? What is that? Basically, surplus in accounting means overflow of something, excess of something, and just as it is in accounting point of view, a “Surplus Friend” basically is something like that, but in this case instead of talking about summary of expense, revenue, profit and loss, we’re talking about a friend. Just like in accounting a surplus can be a good thing or a bad thing, the same principle also applied to friendship. A “Surplus Friend” can sometimes become a good thing or a bad thing.
Why “Surplus Friend”? Sadly, whether we realize it or not, everyone tended to become a “Surplus Friend” for someone else or some other time even make others the “Surplus Friend”. I have been blessed with having ONE but very special person as my Best Friend, but I realize there’re a lot of others who think of me as their “Surplus Friend”.
What exactly is a “Surplus Friend”? Just like where the term surplus comes in, in accounting It is only good when talking about the good side, like revenue, profit, etc. But surplus can also be very bad when we’re talking about slow moving items, expenses, and near expired items. For the former, people tend to push for more, but when we’re talking about the latter, people get rid of it, excessively if necessary.
Why? Because that’s human nature. Humans are naturally selfish, they tend to cater to their own needs first, before thinking of others. Is that a given? No, I do believe there are some other people who do otherwise, but usually only some of them, not all actually have that mindset. But again, only a small percentage of the society do that. Isn’t that sad? Yes, it is sad. But that’s reality nowadays.
So, back to the title, “Surplus Friend”, what is that? “Surplus Friend” is the kind of friend you keep just because they are convenient, because this kind of friend nourish and cater to your ego, because the are handy, because they are the kind of friend who will do things that benefit you, so you keep this kind of friend for as long as you find them beneficial.
So, why I suddenly talk about this? Sadly, I am usually the kind of friend that others keep just because I am convenient, handy and helpful. Yes, I am some kind of doormat, who happens to be foolish enough to help others. I do find this part of my character annoying and I do want to get rid of it, cause people tend to exploit persons like me. I have always feel like this kind of friends only become friend with me because I can help them, and sometimes I will feel quite resentful at times, and it could be toxic to a friendship, where we are supposed to be open to each other, admit our fault, a give and take relationship that didn’t try to weigh out the balance, whether we have give and take equally, cause in a real friendship, there are no balance, we will automatically give and take in proportion, without asking the other party whether they have taken more than we give or vice versa.
When you become a “Surplus Friend” it could be annoying and also quite painful, cause sometimes someone could get resentful and also insecure in the friendship itself and that could eventually lead to a toxic seed that will grow and eventually break the fragile friendship. Total trust in each other have to be achieved if we want to have a good and lasting friendship. I think this also applied to romantic relationship as well, but because now we’re talking about friendship, let’s keep the topic focused solely in this part, okay? Now, back to friendship and the topic on hand, “Surplus Friend”, without us knowing we could be the kind of “Surplus Friend” to someone else or also it could be that we’re the one who make others our “Surplus Friend”
Which person are you? You might think you are neither, but maybe it’s time to really dig deep inside and think carefully. Why? Because if you’re the former, maybe it’s time for you to be more assertive and start having your own sake as your focus instead of others before it consumed you, and if you’re the latter, you might be causing others pain and I just think you need to be aware of it so you could change.
To you all the “Surplus Friends” out there, whether you realize you’re the “Surplus Friend” material or not, you should start thinking about this, before the resentment become so big it will consumed you and turn you into a bitter persons, it will also cause you to feel like you are not worthy to be someone’s friend and will decrease your own confidence and self esteem, you will also start thinking that you are less than you actually are, and in the end, it will cause you to feel even smaller and unworthy than before.
A great “Surplus Friend” material usually a loner with their own world within, an introvert, someone with a low self esteem and not outgoing. Why? Because these kind of people will be very happy when they have a friend, when they were being acknowledged by others, so they will try to be even more helpful out of gratitude. But unless these kind of persons changed their attitude, in the long run, they will not be happy and content. Quite contrary, they will feel even more outcast and lonely even when they’re in the middle of crowd. Why? Because they have to put on a persona to mingle with the crowd, they will even try too hard to be accepted into the midst. And they will start to lose their own self, piece by piece. It will reach the boiling point when these kind of person will snap and hurt the other party in process, and because the friendship wasn’t build on top of mutual trust, when this happened the other party will feel like they have changed and feel betrayed or even angry because of this. This will break their friendship and in the long run, both parties will most likely become some sort of ex-friends who just didn’t care for the others, not enemies, cause when they’re enemies, despite the bad feud and hostility, both parties will still be thinking of each other, but not caring for the others are the worst, cause both people will not want to know of each others’ news and also try to steer carefully away for the path the others’ might cross. And I find these kind of ex-friends sadder than being enemies, cause they once got so close and now ignoring each other. Now, we wouldn’t want to become that kind of persons, right? Despite everything, humans are social creature, we craved social encounters, so when this happened, it is quite sad actually.
Maybe, someone out there will say, I am not that person “Surplus Friend” because despite me having nothing, that person still stay beside me and cheered me up. Wasn’t there’s a saying “A friend in need is a friend indeed?” Indeed, there is that saying, but how can you be so sure that that person actually is indeed your friend without any ulterior motive? Don’t get me wrong, I will be so happy if that person is actually your friend, because it means, you’re lucky to find him / her. But, nowadays, in this world filled with social media and public image, we’re not talking about simple things anymore. Why did I bring up social media? Because people nowadays not only selfish but also need an ego booster, why else did they posted a selfie and edited it to the max? Why a beautiful girl’s selfie tended to get more notice that a beautiful photos of landscapes? Because it’s all about things that catches the eye now. All about the outer appearance, it will boost our egos’. Let’s be honest, I did also posted a lot of selfie, and also always choose the best photos to upload, cause I would never like for people to call me ugly and stuff. What’s the correlations between this with “Surplus Friend”? A “Surplus Friend” is also sometimes used to boost ego, when someone befriend someone who’s less than they are, they will feel better because they have so much more. They will feel some sort of pride and entitlement. They can call themselves a good and kind person because they’re befriending someone who’s actually less than they are. They will feel that despite the other person having nothing, still they stay friends and even maybe help them, care and worried about them. This kind of friends will unconsciously look down on their friend without thinking they did, and eventually the other party will feel it. Being “Surplus Friend” just to make your friend look better? How sad and painful would that be? Once you are not what they want you to be, like maybe you’re putting your foot down on something they oppose because you know you’re right and they didn’t like it, it will cause the first crack into the thin glass globe of so called friendship, and like any other defect, a small crack as time goes by will become bigger and bigger and bigger, aided with more tiny little crack here and there, and then before you know it, The friendship is over, and you were left flabbergasted on the side.
So, don’t be a “Surplus Friend” and don’t make others your “Surplus Friend”, cause both will cause pain to both parties involved. Friendship should be based on mutual trust and should be open, accepting the good and bad side of each other and acknowledging it. I feel that having only one true Best Friend is so much better than having many friends who treated you as their “Surplus Friend”. Don’t be afraid of being lonely, cause when you become a “Surplus Friend” you will get even more lonely. Trust me, been there done that.